Thursday, March 21, 2013

Confessions of a Mommy

I feel like I should have a bottle of wine sitting next to me with a straw coming straight into my mouth while I type. But, I'm sitting with a sanpellegrino. Not fancy, but delicious none the less.

Can I just start by asking what it is that happens when daddy walks out the door in the morning and E and I loose our ability to function? I think our emotions and hormones go crazy and we stop being able to communicate with our indoor voices. It's nuts.

Today, however, went to a new level. Today, my 4 year old and I had a screaming match. For the first time, she yelled back. E has developed a very particular sense of style. It includes no jeans, no bows, no jersey dresses, no footless tights, no legging under dresses, no sequins, no sneakers, and no ponytails. Basically, she wants to wear the equivalent of an Easter dress with tights, sparkly mary janes, with a headband to school. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. She paints at school. Falls or is pushed to the ground most days. Fancy dresses belong in church, not a preschool every day. We fight every morning about this. Some days are worse than others. Today was the worst. She doesn't feel beautiful in anything else.

I think more than anything, she is looking to control what she can since she has experienced a lot of chaos and change at school. New teachers, a lot of new kids, new class and her bestie leaving the school. She thrives off of a schedule and knowing what to expect. So, her response, I hope, is to control what she can (or thinks she can) - her wardrobe.

Moms - help! How can I expand her wardrobe choices. She said she might consider shorts in summer. maybe. ughfhdklasfdsajklghdsl;afjksdkla;. That's pretty much how I feel on the subject. I locked myself in my room and called my husband who was traveling with his boss today to talk me off the ledge. It was nuts. Stupid really.

In other mommy confessions....

I often in snacks after E is in bed, or in a closet because I don't want to share.

I hate giving baths. I'd rather her shower with me (or not at all) than give her a bath. I hate it.

When the hubs is traveling I go home 30 minutes to watch reality TV by myself before swooping into E's school at the last minute to pick her up. I need that time for my sanity.

I have conditioned E to sleep with me when her daddy is traveling because I hate to sleep alone. Now she thinks it's some type of special treat... it is. For me.

For a long time I said I didn't want another baby because I really didn't think I could handle it emotionally. I'm in a much better place now.

I struggle with patience every day. I pray for patience with E every day.

My greatest struggle as a mother is balancing her happiness with how much it will affect my own.

The evening that E had her febrile seizure was the single scariest moment of my life. Even just thinking about it, to this day, makes me cry because I remember how scared I was. Now, it's no uncommon for me to check on her breathing in the night. Or wake her up. Just to be sure...

Dang. I had know how idea how emotionally screwed up motherhood would make me. It makes me nut, but also the most emotionally fulfilled I could ever imagine. These are just some of my confessions. They aren't pretty, but I own it. What about you?

I just wish every moment could be as sweet as watching these two cuddle on a tiny loveseat. Holy cow, I love them.


  1. Realistically, this is a battle you should chose not to fight. You're right, she's looking for control. Her wardrobe is a far more sensible thing to allow her control of than say, her diet? This will pass. Kids go through weird phases like this a lot. Kristina REFUSED to wear shorts, skirts or anything that showed her legs for a full year. she just didn't feel pretty showing her legs. now she's back into shorts & skirts & dresses, thankfully.

    as long as it's weather appropriate, i say don't fight it. the dresses are only going to fit her for a few months anyways. might as well let her wear them till they fall off!

    you will save yourself and E a lot of time and heartache in the mornings.

  2. Hi,

    I've nominated you for the Liebster award!

  3. It's so hard raising up these girls with so much personality while trying to teach them to be all the best things about ourselves, and none of the worst. Instead of giving up a "thing" for Lent this year, I actually gave up raising my voice. At home, at work, wherever. This mostly related to Andrew & Delaney. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't go around yelling all the time, but I have been known to lose my patience on occasion. Making that concious choice to keep my cool has made a huge difference. For me, yelling just makes D upset, and it really does teach her that yelling is a tool to use for herself. Hang in there mama, I'm sure there are more arguements to come but you also shower E with love and she knows how well loved she is by both her parents.

    1. This is the best advice because all that ever happens is that she starts to cry and totally shuts down. It's a work in progress. I was trying to put on tights this morning (tights SHE asked for) and she kicked me because she didn't like the dress I choose. I yelled. Again. She cried. We got no where. It really is something I tell myself everyday I'm going to do better. Some days I am so good, engaged, calm. Others... not so much. I really only yell at Jason and E too. Why do we do the most damage to those we love the most? I'll never understand that... xoxo

  4. My best friend refused to wear anything other than dresses in pre-school. She actually asked Snow White once at Disneyland if it was ok for girls to wear dresses. She did at least grow out of it eventually, but I guess it seems like a fairly common little girl opinion.